Mental Masturbation

An abyss of shame has opened right in front of him; he had only to drop into it… He leaned over the pit and felt dizzy. Shame awaited him at the bottom of it; he had to but choose that shame. He closed his eyes, and the day’s exhaustion surged back upon him. Exhaustion, shame, and death. Shame, self-chosen. Why didn’t I go? Why did I choose not to go?

The black pit was still there, and at the bottom of it shame. He peered down into it, suddenly he understood, and anguish wrung his heart; it’s a trap, if I fall into it I could never face myself again. Never. He sat up straight and said firmly to himself: “I didn’t go because I was tight!” The abyss closed; he had chosen. He had come too near to shame, he had been too frightened; from now on he had chosen to never feel shame again. Never again.